What Confidence Is (and Isn't)
     by Marta Kagan   

Traditionally, confidence is defined as "trust in" or "reliance upon". When you have self-confidence, you trust in, or rely upon, yourself. Possessing confidence in yourself means believing that you have the ability to become, achieve or acquire whatever you want.

Have you ever met a person whom you'd describe as "magnetic"? A magnetic person is someone who literally radiates confidence. They exude certainty, assurance and charisma. We are drawn to confident people because their belief in themselves is more attractive than perfect features or careful grooming. They instill in us a much-desired sense of security; a feeling that, no matter what happens, you can count on them to make decisions and take action in a manner that produces an acceptable outcome.

Whether a confident individual actually does (or doesn't) produce an "acceptable outcome" depends largely on the individual, the situation, and our rather subjective definition of what's "acceptable". The difference that confidence makes in this equation is that our perspective and memory of an experience is dramatically improved when we feel that "we're in good hands".

Confidence is magnetic, powerful and profound. It's the calm voice amidst chaos. It's the firm hand on your shoulder when you're lost in a crowd. It's what legends and leaders are made of.

What Confidence Isn't

One of the biggest reasons why self-confidence is such a rare quality is because most people believe one or more of the following three common misconceptions to be true.

Misconception 1: Confidence is a by-product of exceptional knowledge, beauty, experience, or talent.

Confidence is NOT merely a by-product of exceptional knowledge, beauty, experience or talent. Confidence is about faith, trust, belief. How many times have you seen, known, or heard about the beautiful, talented, successful individual who is painfully or even self-destructively insecure? Despite their natural gifts, these individuals lack basic trust or belief in themselves.

I've known people who were stunning and insecure; brilliant and awkward; talented and paralyzed by stage-fright. And I've know people with crooked teeth, average intelligence and no sense of style to speak of who radiated charisma.

Brains, beauty and talent certainly can't hurt you ­ but self-confidence is not directly related to any of them.

Misconception 2: Confidence is not something you can learn or develop; you either have it or you don't.

If there is one thing humans are, it's infinitely adaptable. When I was a physical therapist, I worked with people who lost limbs or the ability to move or feel portions of their bodies and yet, with help and perseverance, they were able to learn new ways of moving and functioning. Despite the fact that they had done things one way (i.e. writing with their right hand) for decades, they were able to learn a new way of doing the same things (writing with their left-hand or in some cases, using their mouth) in a matter of weeks or months.

Self-confidence can be learned and developed. It's as simple as that.

Misconception 3: A person's level of confidence is directly tied to the amount of validation, praise, or recognition they receive.

While praise and validation certainly help people feel good about themselves, they are by nature transient, conditional things, and therefore not a reliable way to sustain one's self-confidence.

Confidence is about believing in something or someone in spite of the fact that you have no evidence this thing or person deserves belief. When you tell someone that you have confidence in them, you are saying, "I believe in you." Even if they have no prior record of accomplishing whatever it is you believe they can accomplish.

Think back to when you were a child, learning to ride a bike or hit a baseball for the very first time. Your parents told you that you could do it, and even though you might have been scared, you did. You had confidence in your ability to do something despite the fact that you'd never done it before. There was the chance that you'd fail; that your effort would not bear fruit; but you didn't focus on that. You had confidence in yourself.

Do you remember a time when you believed in yourself? When the words "I can't" simply weren't a part of your vocabulary? It's amazing how as children, we inherently believe in ourselves. We're willing to try just about anything; we think we're immortal! Whether we get praised or recognized for our efforts or not, we're willing to try something new.

The bottom line is, no amount of praise is going to build your self-confidence, because confidence comes from internal resources. Compliments, praise and recognition ring hollow unless you believe in yourself.

The First Step to Building Self-Confidence.

So the good news is that you can develop self-confidence; and you don't have to lose 20 pounds or get a makeover or become fluent in 3 languages to get started. But you do have to define what confidence means to you. What would your life be like if you had abundant self-confidence? How would you look, act, feel? How would others respond to you?

The first step in any process of change is identifying what the ideal state you're working toward is. After all, how can you get what you want if you don't quite know what that is?

Take a few minutes to really ponder these questions. Answer them in writing. Define your personal definition of confidence and use it as a starting point for developing a deep and lasting belief in yourself.